How fucking fat is Josh Beckett?

21 07 2012

For fuck sake Beckett. Do you give one flying fuck you fat piece of shit. Cody Ross single handily turned this season around in 2 games and you’re just going to throw away any type of run, or momentum that easy? I feel like baseball is the one sport where no manager would ever dare sit a player based on piss poor performance. If Doc Rivers was managing, he would walk out there, and take Beckett off the field by his ear like a little school boy, who was throwing rocks at cars. Just absolutely unacceptable when half the team is playing their asses off and the other half is playing for their lives, because they’re call ups, and never know if they are going to play in the majors again. On the other hand, we got Beckett whose heart rate is constant, like hes attending a funeral every time he takes the mound. what happened to that 98mph 2 seamer? Where’s the fire after a strike out? I dont care who you are, how can you accept millions of people absolutely hating your guts. How can you live with yourself? OOOHH and don’t you think I’m going to let Lester get off easy here. He killed the momentum earlier in the week. MENTAL. FUCKING. MIDGET. One missed call by the ump game over. The notorious ump stare down while waiting for the ball to be thrown back to him. Fuck off. Stop nibbling at the strike zone you bitch. Make an Adjustment. How about we put Beckett and Lester in the bullpen, and give Morales the starts he deserves? Hows that sound? I know him and Aaron Cook would pitch on 3 days rest every, fucking, start, and lay it all on the line. And thats all you can ask for out of people making millions of dollars to play a game for our entertainment. Honestly though, How many Tins does Morales go through in a 7 inning performance? mind boggling shit. But in all seriousness, just get rid of these two guys, maybe give lester another start or 2, to bring up his trade stock. I never wanna see them take the mound again for the Sox. The beer and chicken hole they dug themselves, is too deep to get out of. All they had to do was win, and it would have all been swept under the rug, but nope! They just continued to be dickheads, apologized too late, if they even apologized… not quite sure they did. Now they are both sitting pretty under .500 right where they left off in September. Hopefully Ross and the boys can score 15 runs a night when they pitch.

Besides all that Clay Buchholz has the nastiest stuff. Plus, plus fastball, curveball and change-up. If he could just put it together consistently he would be a force to reckon with. I also still believe in this team. I love their offense, very dangerous. I also think their bullpen can hold it together. Scott Atchinson got the biggest allstar snub, of all time. He has god like numbers so far. You would think he was bringin the heat like Aroldis Champman. Nope. just your average 40 year old throwing 86 mph earning his paycheck. You also got Miller becoming an untouchable lefty with morales. This team has been beat to shit and they are still hanging around. I see flashes of the 03-04 Red Sox. A lot of dirt dogs, and a lot of doubters. I’m glad they are making noise, or it would have been a boring fucking summer.


The HR Derby and All Star Game Suck Now

10 07 2012

I can’t be the only one out there who gets way more jacked up for the Legends/Celebrity softball game that’s on after the Derby than both the Derby and the All Star game. I remember when both were a huge event even though they didn’t actually “count” (which is still fuckin stupid by the way). Is it a huge problem in the NBA and NHL when the team with the best record in the regular season is the home team in the championship? Throw out the whole “the national league is easier than the american league so that’s not fair” bullshit, because there’s so much god damn interleague play now that it makes me sick. Interleague was cool when it started way back when in 1997, but now it’s so overdone and is no longer a novelty. Now, I’m sitting here after having seen the Red Sox drunkenly stumble through 6 series, why should I be so excited about the All Star game?

You know what happens next year? The stupid Astros join the American League. Thank the good lord in all of his mightiness! That is going to make everyone so excited that such an amazing team will be in contention for the AL pennant. Oh the drama, the fuckin humanity. For those of you who don’t realize it, that means that each league will have 15 teams, which means interleague play will happen ALL SEASON LONG. Every moment of the season will feature one interleague series. Maybe the only sensible solution is to just tell like the Astros and the Cubs that they have to forfeit a series once a month so that everyone can take some time off from having to watch pitchers hit and get hurt running the bases (because apparently that’s really hard to do now?). It’s going to make the All Star game even more boring than it already is. It’s like when you’re 10 years old and only have dial up so every time you see some cleavage you need to tuck your 10 year old boner into the wasteband, but then once you’re older and have high speed and HD pornos to watch on the reg, the cleavage doesn’t do as much for you.

I remember 1999, having dial up and the All Star game at Fenway. Every 10 year old in New England was sportin half chubbies when Kelly Kapowski showed up on Saved by the Bell and getting chills watching Pedro Martinez go to town on National League hitters in the All Star Game (see the videos below). Now it’s 2012, high speed internet is everywhere, and we’ll tune in tomorrow (or won’t) to see people we’ve seen all season long. Yippee. At least I can watch Jenny Finch and some victoria secret models play softball with some of the greatest players who ever lived. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, really.

Anyways, watch these Pedro/’99 ASG videos and tell me you feel the same way about the All Star game as back then. If you do, you’re an idiot.

– Dood


PS- Jonathan Papelbon said Monday that David Ortiz means more the the Red Sox than Ted Williams… that Philly weed he’s smoking must be craaaaaaazy.



7 07 2012

Alright everybody WAKE THE FUCK UP. People need to stop being, surprised, angered, or hurt that Jesus Shuttlesworth decided to part ways with the Celtics. He saved the Celtics 12 million dollars. Danny Ainge basically  said, “Hey Ray, here’s 12 million dollars if you want to sit on the bench for 2 years. Take it or leave it.” Thankfully he declined. Does anyone think he would have honestly contributed this year after the offseason they have had? Not to mention they are close to closing a deal on Jeff Green for 4 years 40 mil. Holy christ Celts aren’t fucking around right now… Last year, after the all star break, Ray participated in 16 of 35 games. At this time the Celtics went on an absolute fucking tear without him. I’m not going to keep digging too far into stats, but from my fuzzy memory he barely made an impact. Yeah sure he had his greatest three point shooting percentage of his career this year (the only fucking stat libs can throw at me) but that shit is misleading because he took about half the shots. Back in 07-08 Ray could have pulled up for a three on a fast break blind folded, and he would of wapped it 11 out of 10 times. Now a days I’ll give him a coin flip on a wide open three. They got KG back, Bass back, Avery Bradley was fitted with two brand new bionic shoulders, they signed Terry, and are close with Green. They are all set. His time is just up. Theres no reason he should of taken the contract he was offered by the Celtics. Everyone’s hating on him for a decision he made to better his personal life. So what if it was to the Heat. Everyone who started being a basketball fan in 07 thinks its a rivalry. It’s not!!! We all just hate Lebron. so lets all relax, bid him farewell, and  wish him good luck in all his future endeavors. The only person I feel bad for in all of this is Rays mom. What a saint.

Game of poo

7 07 2012

So I just finished watching the first two seasons of Game of Thrones to see what all the hubbub was about. I know I’m a bit late, but I got better things to do with my time, like go stand outside. I gotta be honest though,  whats the big fucking deal? I watched it strictly based on Facebook statuses, and I’m ashamed of that.  Sure its got unreal acting, script, and cinematography. And I’m a big movie nerd. That type of shit gets me going. Is that why I still plan on watching it when It comes back? I just kind of feel obligated, because I have dedicated so much time to it already, and I am so disappointed thus far. Just waiting for anything to happen. I honestly still dont know anyones name. I knew Stark then he got his head cut off. After that, just a lost puppy. Do I secretly like it? I dont know what to feel. All I know is the creators spent all their time going, “ok, when can we sneak a floppy tit into this episode.” Do people watch this show just to be cool? someone help me out. I think the only reason I wrote this blog is because I died laughing at work when I saw this picture.

Guest Blog: David Ortiz is Certifiably Insane

5 07 2012

With Pelknana sticking his lower lip out in the office all day getting that thing caught on trip wires like he thinks he’s Bubba from Forest Gump, he needs some help to maintain this thing. I’m fat, I’m bald, and I don’t have a job, so you better believe I have a lot of time for sports, so here’s my first shot at blogging.

David Ortiz is a crazy person, plain and simple. I don’t know if it’s something in his “protein shakes” or something they’re putting in the water, but the guy is an absolute delusional nut bag. The big guy told USA Today’s Jorge Ortiz (any relation?) that he’s still “humiliated” about a 1-year, $14.575 million deal that he signed with the Sox this season. Let me preface this rant I’m about to go on with a few things. First, I’m not one of those people that bitches about how professional athletes get paid way too much money to play a game. It’s not a game, it’s a fuckin intense lifestyle with no days off. There are very few people in the world that can do what these guys do, and they bring in a shit ton of money to these organizations, so they deserve millions of dollars, plain and simple. Second, they are retired from their profession at the age of 40 (at the oldest) and have to take care of their families in life after sports, so negotiating to get a deal you want is all well and good. Third, Ortiz has been one of the most important players in Red Sox history and was a huge part of both the 2004 and 2007 championship teams. All that said, David Ortiz needs to shut the fuck up and stop whining.

At the end of last year, Ortiz came to the end of a multi-year deal that paid him $12.5 mil. He wanted a 2 year deal at the same rate, but then settled on a shorter deal, but for more money. On what planet is that humiliating? Am I missing something here? Ortiz was given more money than he asked for, and is humiliated by that? Maybe there’s a language barrier here. Any Lower Lip readers out there that know Spanish and can ask David if he knows the definition of that word? Let’s set aside all logic, rational thought, ability to reason and such… So pretty much pretend you’re David Ortiz. In this scenario in which you’re actually humiliated by this, why do you keep bringing it up to the media? David is ADORED by 99% of Red Sox nation. He gets a thunderous ovation every time he’s announced and steps up to the plate. He’s an absolute legend. He hits his 400th career home run on Wednesday and instead of talking about how this organization picked him up off the scrap heap, then traded away a home grown talent (Shea Hillenbrand) so that Ortiz could play every day (he had been splitting time with Hillenbrand, Millar, Bill Mueller and Jeremy Giambi, the trade made Mueller the full time third baseman, Millar/Ortiz both DHing and playing first, and Giambi sitting on his thumb, which was the only thing he was good at that season).

But no, David doesn’t give any props to the guys who helped make him into who he is, he bitches in JULY about something that happened last offseason. Meanwhile his team is sitting pretty in 4th place, 2 games above .500. So instead of David throwing some clichés at reporters about how great it is to hit your 400th but you wish it came in a win, because it’s more about the team than an individual. Nope. Didn’t hear anything close to that. Instead he bitches about the front office paying for other players. Does he not want to win a championship? Didn’t Tom Brady restructure his contract a few times to bring in other players? The fact of the matter is David Ortiz would rather get his dick sucked by the media than win another title.

Here’s the biggest thing that has puzzled me for years. The media has been AMAZING to David his entire time here, and he never seems to notice. The organization has paid him a whole lot of money to be a DH. You might remember a 2009 press conference in New York to discuss a POSITIVE test for performance enhancing drugs. You might not remember that. Why? Because the media never talks about it. Ortiz was hurt in 2008, then got off to horrible, shitty, lethargic, slow starts in both 2009, and 2010, but fans and media still love him. During that time, he kept saying in interviews that his past performance and what he’d done should earn him a new, big contract. Ortiz might be the biggest hypocrite to ever walk through those clubhouse doors. If being awesome in 2003-2007 should get him a big deal, shouldn’t shitty, declining performance make the front office hesitant to give him a long term deal? Now, his hypocrisy is sort of a moot point with how good he’s been the past two seasons. Maybe David’s back on his pro(steroid)tein shakes, lost 50 lbs, corks his bat, or whatever it is that’s making him hit the shit out of the ball, but don’t keep bringing this shit up in the middle of the year on a 4th place team. Win some games, then maybe you can bitch a little about your contract. Until then, David, if you have any questions you want answered about your contract, listen to Eli preach.



I’m Back Betches

3 07 2012

First off I would like to apologize for how abruptly I left the blogging game. It was selfish of me and disrespectful to my fans, but boy does real life hit you hard. It’s a cold dark place and nothing can truly prepare you for it. Going from partying every night and playing baseball, to 40 hour work weeks with hour long commutes really takes its toll on you. I mean I was just a fuckin zombie for a few months. 5:30am wake ups, and in my  onesie tucked into bed by 8pm. I lost my pizzazz, and the burning desire to rant. Just didn’t have it in me anymore, and no fucking way I was gonna half ass it. You all deserve better. Lucky for you all, I moved closer to my job, I have some fucking energy, and deep down, I know I’m ready to entertain again. I missed a lot in the past few months so I’m going to recap reallllll quick…

Shout out to Wheaton baseball. I would of blogged my dick off  about you guys if I had the website still. Unreal run, so fun to watch. Proud to be a lyon for sure. Proving to the administration that you absolutely run that school, and that it is completely ok to binge drink in the boneyard day in, and day out, and still compete for a national championship.

now for a recap of boston sports….

The bruins just didn’t have the fight they had the year before. Straight up outplayed at what they do do best. Very happy to see the Kings win it. 8 seed just absolutely pillaging anyone in their way. Quick is a stud, and any Umass alum is A-OK in my book. Even watched him in a few games when he was at Umass. Who knew he would become a Conn Smythe winner? Speaking of goalies, holy fuck Timmy, you sir are a fucking idiot. Just an absolute menace jumping off the deepest, of deep ends. I never cared for him, and yah he was sooo good at times, and yes he had a great run in the playoffs, but just hated how he played. Good riddance. Its Tuukka time anyway. October 11th first game of the season, mark your calendars children.

Red Sox, ha ha jesus christ where to begin. I FUCKING LOVE this team. Absolute circus. Love the pick up of bobby V. Never a dull moment. Always says the wrong things. Fuels the Boston media with straight diesel. A manager in baseball is so fucking irrelevant, and I Love how he gets blamed for everything.  keep doing your thing Bobby V. Love the role players dominating. Love players firing back at the media, club house in absolute chaos. Like I said when they were like 2-15 back in april MORTAL LOCK they make noise in the playoff.

Celtics. DAMN. One hell of a run. No one thought they had a chance. Rondo is a Fuckin wizard and this season solidified it.  Easily my favorite player in the NBA. Hell, a few calls here and there, a few more made shots, no doubt woulda been NBA champs. The  Thunder were the sorriest bunch of super stars I’ve ever seen.  Still a bit of a sour subject so moving on to the draft.  Very skeptical my friends. Sorry, I know everyone loves the household names with Sulinger and fab but just not too sure about it. No chance Fab mello catches any of rondo’s passes. Dicks for fingers for sureeee. Second grade reading level at best.  hopefully I’m wrong, well see.  Also Locking up KG was definitely some great news. The guy is just an absolute animal and is so fun to watch. Who knows maybe they can win another title and he can really stamp his name in Celtics History, But THREE years?! He might be wobbling out for tip off with a cane by the end of year 2.           As for the Pats I love them, but I dont pay attention in the offseason anyone else wanna write about them?  I know that was quick as balls but like a said quick recap.  Thats all for now. Felt good. Felt damn good.