Guest Blog: David Ortiz is Certifiably Insane

5 07 2012

With Pelknana sticking his lower lip out in the office all day getting that thing caught on trip wires like he thinks he’s Bubba from Forest Gump, he needs some help to maintain this thing. I’m fat, I’m bald, and I don’t have a job, so you better believe I have a lot of time for sports, so here’s my first shot at blogging.

David Ortiz is a crazy person, plain and simple. I don’t know if it’s something in his “protein shakes” or something they’re putting in the water, but the guy is an absolute delusional nut bag. The big guy told USA Today’s Jorge Ortiz (any relation?) that he’s still “humiliated” about a 1-year, $14.575 million deal that he signed with the Sox this season. Let me preface this rant I’m about to go on with a few things. First, I’m not one of those people that bitches about how professional athletes get paid way too much money to play a game. It’s not a game, it’s a fuckin intense lifestyle with no days off. There are very few people in the world that can do what these guys do, and they bring in a shit ton of money to these organizations, so they deserve millions of dollars, plain and simple. Second, they are retired from their profession at the age of 40 (at the oldest) and have to take care of their families in life after sports, so negotiating to get a deal you want is all well and good. Third, Ortiz has been one of the most important players in Red Sox history and was a huge part of both the 2004 and 2007 championship teams. All that said, David Ortiz needs to shut the fuck up and stop whining.

At the end of last year, Ortiz came to the end of a multi-year deal that paid him $12.5 mil. He wanted a 2 year deal at the same rate, but then settled on a shorter deal, but for more money. On what planet is that humiliating? Am I missing something here? Ortiz was given more money than he asked for, and is humiliated by that? Maybe there’s a language barrier here. Any Lower Lip readers out there that know Spanish and can ask David if he knows the definition of that word? Let’s set aside all logic, rational thought, ability to reason and such… So pretty much pretend you’re David Ortiz. In this scenario in which you’re actually humiliated by this, why do you keep bringing it up to the media? David is ADORED by 99% of Red Sox nation. He gets a thunderous ovation every time he’s announced and steps up to the plate. He’s an absolute legend. He hits his 400th career home run on Wednesday and instead of talking about how this organization picked him up off the scrap heap, then traded away a home grown talent (Shea Hillenbrand) so that Ortiz could play every day (he had been splitting time with Hillenbrand, Millar, Bill Mueller and Jeremy Giambi, the trade made Mueller the full time third baseman, Millar/Ortiz both DHing and playing first, and Giambi sitting on his thumb, which was the only thing he was good at that season).

But no, David doesn’t give any props to the guys who helped make him into who he is, he bitches in JULY about something that happened last offseason. Meanwhile his team is sitting pretty in 4th place, 2 games above .500. So instead of David throwing some clichés at reporters about how great it is to hit your 400th but you wish it came in a win, because it’s more about the team than an individual. Nope. Didn’t hear anything close to that. Instead he bitches about the front office paying for other players. Does he not want to win a championship? Didn’t Tom Brady restructure his contract a few times to bring in other players? The fact of the matter is David Ortiz would rather get his dick sucked by the media than win another title.

Here’s the biggest thing that has puzzled me for years. The media has been AMAZING to David his entire time here, and he never seems to notice. The organization has paid him a whole lot of money to be a DH. You might remember a 2009 press conference in New York to discuss a POSITIVE test for performance enhancing drugs. You might not remember that. Why? Because the media never talks about it. Ortiz was hurt in 2008, then got off to horrible, shitty, lethargic, slow starts in both 2009, and 2010, but fans and media still love him. During that time, he kept saying in interviews that his past performance and what he’d done should earn him a new, big contract. Ortiz might be the biggest hypocrite to ever walk through those clubhouse doors. If being awesome in 2003-2007 should get him a big deal, shouldn’t shitty, declining performance make the front office hesitant to give him a long term deal? Now, his hypocrisy is sort of a moot point with how good he’s been the past two seasons. Maybe David’s back on his pro(steroid)tein shakes, lost 50 lbs, corks his bat, or whatever it is that’s making him hit the shit out of the ball, but don’t keep bringing this shit up in the middle of the year on a 4th place team. Win some games, then maybe you can bitch a little about your contract. Until then, David, if you have any questions you want answered about your contract, listen to Eli preach.

Sincerely,

Dood

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